When
my mother passed away, I received a card from a friend of mine
that touched me so deeply I can still remember it 15 years later.
The card was humorous and the note he wrote was the perfect
balance of empathy, humor and reality.
You see Chris had lost his father about a month before I
had lost my mom and he knew intimately what I was going through.
This card was the cornerstone to developing the website
www.IDidNotKnowWhatToSay.com.
I wanted to encourage people to be thoughtful and
supportive of their friends and family when they are going through
a great loss. The
topic of death is difficult and many people “freeze” when the
topic comes up. Our
website is dedicated to helping people find the words when you
don’t know what to say.
Put your heart into it.
There are many ways to express your deep
concern and support for a friend or family member when they have
lost a loved one. I
have found that when you put your heart into what you write it
makes all the difference. One
of the cards I received simply said, “I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you all
week, and I will keep you in my prayers.”
It was from a friend’s mother that I did not know very
well, but I was so touched that she would take the time to send a
card. I could feel the
love and sincerity in the note and it made a lasting impression on
me.
Know your audience.
People have many belief systems when it comes
to death, grief and the burial process.
Religion, culture, family experiences, personality, the age
of the person and their gender can all impact how they handle the
grieving process. It
is important to take these factors into consideration and not diminish the
person’s feelings or beliefs.
This is not a time to “preach” to someone.
It is a time to reach out and open your heart.
Offer your support.
The most fundamental thing you can offer someone in grief
is your support. My
friend Michele sent me this note after my mom passed away,
“We will be there to do those things you are not able to” and she
really was. She helped
make phone calls to my family the night my mom passed away, she
was there at the memorial service, and was there through all the
ups and downs as I recovered from this great loss.
I
have found that most people appreciate knowing you care about them
and that you are there to support them. A simple note of
encouragement like this one can make all the difference: “Please
know that I'm willing to help you out in any way you might need me
to during this difficult time. I'd love to bring your family
dinner or take you out for coffee if you ever need to talk.”
My
old roommate used to send me cards on my mom's birthday
as
a reminder that she was thinking of me. My aunt sends her
sister-in-law a card on the anniversary of her son's death just to
let her know that she is not alone.
I
am deeply appreciative of all the love and encouragement I have
received from my friends and family through the many losses in my
life. My greatest hope is that everyone receives that kind
of deep support when they are going through a loss.
©
2009 Lori Pederson
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE?
You can, as long as you include this
complete blurb with it:
Lori
Pederson, Founder of
I
Did Not Know What To Say,
a website built to inspire and to provide you with tools to assist
a love one through the grieving process.
If you would like our free newsletter on how to assist your
friends and family members through the journey of restoring
balance in their life after the death of a love one, please visit
our website at
www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com.
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